This is a really good article to help men like me comprehend just how different the time scales feel for men and women for reproduction. I hope you get what you want - and I hope it makes you happy, too!
Man. Every bit of this. My ex moved on rapid fast with a woman 10 years our senior. Proposed to her a year after he dumped her and rekindled our relationship. Proposed to her in the EXACT way we always said he’d propose to me . I can’t instagram snoop for a shot of the ring bc I KNOW I’ll vomit. I found out about the engagement via the ex we spent our entire relationship fighting about bc he couldn’t move on from her and with whom I’m now semi-friends with. Ha. I’m stuck with the soul-sucking grief, implacable rage, waves of denial, toxic jealousy, and relief that I’m not her whole simultaneously wishing I was her.
I miss the days of no social media where we didn’t know anything about our exes. Thank you for putting my feelings into words—and helping me realize I’m not alone. Breaking up and moving on is shitty and hard and I hate it.
Isn’t life just full circle sometimes? Thanks for relating — it’s a very particular rage and jealously lol. Mostly one built out of my own fear of age. But anger nonetheless.
Definitely miss the days of no social media omg. How much less complicated or at least how much more time we’d get before knowing what feels like ghastly intel. Sending you a huggggggg thank touuuu 💛
I've fluctuated wildly in my age ranges with men: romantically speaking my low was my first husband, who I thought was six years my junior (26 to my 32 when we started dating) to the father of my first daughter being 23 years my senior. I have neither issue with my husband now: there is debate about who is older (me one day on paper versus him three hours by birth time).
I am happy to say that I don't regret being with a single one of my exes. I also don't miss a single one of them at least in a let's get back together sense. They were all lessons for the time and space I was in at the time. I hope they find somebody they can be happy with and I have no idea who they are dating if anyone, even though a few are friends on my Facebook page.
Of course these relationships often broke up a few decades ago, so I can understand the sting from something fresher. But hopefully the passage of time you will more remember why you broke up. Celebrate that experience and perspective in a world that is overly obsessed with numbers and youth over experience and wisdom. I found my soulmate in time through it.
This was just lovely - thank you. I've been all over the age range as well. I don't regret any of it either, only this one stung a bit more. Thanks for writing this - I think even now with the passage of time I'm finally able to see it more clearly. It's a nice transition.
This just crossed my path❤️ I read and enjoyed it, and it made me want to share my own past entry, as you seem like someone who might take something from the camaraderie of simply saying the hard stuff out loud.
Hi Lindsey, I usually skim through articles if they don't immediately grab me but your article had me hanging at every word. I am a 33 year old millennial and have felt many of the emotions you described here. Taking care of men, staying far too long, playing my part but not being able to readily admit it during a tantrum, feeling the cruelty of the culture against our sex and gender as the time to make a family seems to dwindle away for us... our 20s and the relationship decisions that led us here and the bludgeoning battles we fought to make it to our 30s in one piece. It's a lot of feelings and I could relate to every. single. one of them. I particularly enjoyed how you described the days that you miss him and the days that you don't. It's that oscillating between two strong emotions while still dismantling the future we'd created together in our minds that makes break ups so painful, I suppose. Thank you for sharing this with your readers. Thank you for sharing this with me.
Mishell, I can't thank you enough for this. It was such a beautiful comment to wake up to this morning (in a hotel room in Vegas). It is a lot of feelings isn't it? And a strange place in life to contend with when many of my female friends are now in pretty long term relationships or married. Thank you for relating to this - it helps to not feel so alone. I hope we keep connecting over this lil app as time passes - appreciate it <3
Relationship ending either leads to 1. assessment, some level defensiveness, and/or depression..or...2. A quick hit of a new relationship that feels stronger than anything because when down a new high feels that way (in my observation)....the new drug to recover from the withdrawal symptoms of the last. I think that is why so many people get remarried quickly or jump immediately into something new.....they need it to get over the last one. His mourning response to you! A compliment I suppose, although not the type that makes you feel wonderful inside I am sure.
Sooo accurate. Disappointing when you think someone is self aware enough to take it slow and then just full throttles it into the next thing. I'm surprised, not shocked. And ultimately I suppose one day will see it as a blessing. Thank you for this, and all your writing.
Isn't it just so predictable the response people have from relationships ending! Your concerns about his maturity and his youth are immediately proven true when he rebounds with someone much younger and likely not wanting that level of commitment. I'm sorry you're going through this but you're worth much more than to be an afterthought; and I'm certain that you're being kinder than you should in all your writing (as always!)
Appreciate you — yes, I’d venture to say it speaks volumes when a grown ass man decides to embark from talking children to dating children, but what do I know 🙃💛
As I’m in no contact phase and my ex doesn’t have any mutual friends I don’t know what he’s is doing but I feel your pain. I’m 41 and didn’t want to leave for fear of being alone. Society really does make you think you’ll end up being a lonely childless cat lady or dog lady as I prefer. I’m just trying to learn how to celebrate being left alone. I wish you good luck! And hope that the feeling of not being where we were supposed to be goes away!
Absolutely. I was talking to another single friend about this recently. I don't so much mind being alone - i hate the pity that comes when you are alone. Like you're automatically put in this pity category which is unpleasant to contend with. I wish YOU good luck as well - sending a big hug <3
I have just come out of a relationship with a guy who has decided to move on straight away with someone 27 years younger than him, 20 years younger than myself. I can relate completely to your article and how I feel about the whole situation and myself.
27 years wow. Yeah, I had never had this type of experience before but it is just so wildly sharp. And it’s been so interesting to observe what it has brought you in myself about my age and life etc. thank you for taking time to write this 💛
I really appreciate how vulnerable this is and I acknowledge the guts it takes to share this way.
This post spoke to me because it highlighted how obsessed with age I am too. I’ve always focused on it too hard. In general, I’ve never felt like I was “where I was supposed to be” for my age at any given time and I’m JUST NOW starting to get over that idea (I’m 37 for reference).
I’m so sorry you’re going through heart break. And if it was me, I’d want to hear this… erase all this math you’re doing about lost time (or bonus time for him). That’s not true, it’s all a story at the end of the day.
Someone once said to me, “trust the lessons the people you love are creating for themselves.”
I don’t know you but I trust you are where you are supposed to be and there is value here for you. I think you can have a family or do whatever it is you’d like with your life because you seem like a bright, capable (and beautiful) person. 🙏🏼♥️
This is one of the most meaningful comments I've ever read. thank you -- Thank YOU -- for taking time to write it. It is very difficult to not focus on age. I don't at all feel 35 but I know I am 35 and if it weren't for the reproduction thing, I think I'd be in a much calmer head space about the whole thing. But alas, as you noted "trust the lessons the people you love are creating for themselves."
How eloquent - saving that in my notes for rainy days. Appreciate this
That gut punch, sinking stomach, churning feeling when you find out an ex is with someone new, even if there are good reasons the relationship ended. This brought back such vivid memories of my last breakup. Sending lots of (internet stranger) hugs! (Ok that came out creepy, sorry)
Yesss, just that very weird moment where the world as you know it now slightly tilted. You get used to it - like the brain forces you to accept new realities all the time, but in that instance it's like the wind being knocked out of me. Thanks for writing this - sending YOU an internet hug <3
This was a hell of a piece and powerfully vulnerable Lindsey. Not only did you share shitty situation with us, but you did so in a way that it felt like I was reading a note from a friend 👏🏽
With that said, the 90s kid in me couldn’t help but chuckle as I read your Maury and Arthur references 🥹
So, I’d also like to throw Dragon Tales, Rocket Power and Jerry Springer into the ring lol
Hahahah I almost put Jerry Springer instead!!!! And haven’t thought about Dragon Tales in a decade! ☺️ thanks for this lovely comment, you made my day 💛
I mean power to you for running through all of the emotions. But ultimately it’s the same age gap you two had, just on the other side. And you’ll find someone quick when you want to: women always do
I appreciate your perspective; don't necessarily agree with it. I do think people have varying life experiences which cause some to grow up or mature quicker than others but 21 is arguably still not even a completely formed brain. It's uni confusion vs years of daily grind work experience. I just see the gap in experience differently i suppose. But, I'm also clearly in my emotions about the whole thing so I could change my perspective one day once it's less raw <3
Well, okay. But I guess the final question is: you went for someone much younger, so why can't he?
All the rationalization in the world won't cover the fact that you seem to be unhappy because he found a younger love, when you did exactly the same thing.
If I am missing the point, please tell me. I don't mean to be cruel or harsh, but all the over-explanation seems to be nothing but a cover up.
Well, I'd definitely argue there's a difference between age gaps and when they happen but that's beside the point. And no I don't think you're missing the point lol. I was unhappy and distraught about it and likely unjustifiably, but I think I'm actually owning that in this post. I initially felt jealous he gets a do-over with a 21 year old while I'm 35 and running up against a biological clock. I don't think what he's doing is necessarily wrong, it actually makes more sense that he's now dating younger someone my age - but it of course was a harsh realization. This was more a reflection on why I felt enraged when I first heard, so if you found it a cover up I'd argue it's actually me disclosing exactly the cover up lol. Appreciate the comment nonetheless, thanks for taking the time.
This is a really good article to help men like me comprehend just how different the time scales feel for men and women for reproduction. I hope you get what you want - and I hope it makes you happy, too!
Appreciate this comment more than I can say - thank you for taking time to write it.
Man. Every bit of this. My ex moved on rapid fast with a woman 10 years our senior. Proposed to her a year after he dumped her and rekindled our relationship. Proposed to her in the EXACT way we always said he’d propose to me . I can’t instagram snoop for a shot of the ring bc I KNOW I’ll vomit. I found out about the engagement via the ex we spent our entire relationship fighting about bc he couldn’t move on from her and with whom I’m now semi-friends with. Ha. I’m stuck with the soul-sucking grief, implacable rage, waves of denial, toxic jealousy, and relief that I’m not her whole simultaneously wishing I was her.
I miss the days of no social media where we didn’t know anything about our exes. Thank you for putting my feelings into words—and helping me realize I’m not alone. Breaking up and moving on is shitty and hard and I hate it.
Isn’t life just full circle sometimes? Thanks for relating — it’s a very particular rage and jealously lol. Mostly one built out of my own fear of age. But anger nonetheless.
Definitely miss the days of no social media omg. How much less complicated or at least how much more time we’d get before knowing what feels like ghastly intel. Sending you a huggggggg thank touuuu 💛
I've fluctuated wildly in my age ranges with men: romantically speaking my low was my first husband, who I thought was six years my junior (26 to my 32 when we started dating) to the father of my first daughter being 23 years my senior. I have neither issue with my husband now: there is debate about who is older (me one day on paper versus him three hours by birth time).
I am happy to say that I don't regret being with a single one of my exes. I also don't miss a single one of them at least in a let's get back together sense. They were all lessons for the time and space I was in at the time. I hope they find somebody they can be happy with and I have no idea who they are dating if anyone, even though a few are friends on my Facebook page.
Of course these relationships often broke up a few decades ago, so I can understand the sting from something fresher. But hopefully the passage of time you will more remember why you broke up. Celebrate that experience and perspective in a world that is overly obsessed with numbers and youth over experience and wisdom. I found my soulmate in time through it.
Wishing you the best...
This was just lovely - thank you. I've been all over the age range as well. I don't regret any of it either, only this one stung a bit more. Thanks for writing this - I think even now with the passage of time I'm finally able to see it more clearly. It's a nice transition.
This just crossed my path❤️ I read and enjoyed it, and it made me want to share my own past entry, as you seem like someone who might take something from the camaraderie of simply saying the hard stuff out loud.
Hope you’re well (enough)
xx.
https://open.substack.com/pub/adriennethurman/p/on-being-discarded?r=3xp6a4&utm_medium=ios
Thank you for this - loved reading your thoughts on puzzle pieces. Thanks for coming across here <3
Hi Lindsey, I usually skim through articles if they don't immediately grab me but your article had me hanging at every word. I am a 33 year old millennial and have felt many of the emotions you described here. Taking care of men, staying far too long, playing my part but not being able to readily admit it during a tantrum, feeling the cruelty of the culture against our sex and gender as the time to make a family seems to dwindle away for us... our 20s and the relationship decisions that led us here and the bludgeoning battles we fought to make it to our 30s in one piece. It's a lot of feelings and I could relate to every. single. one of them. I particularly enjoyed how you described the days that you miss him and the days that you don't. It's that oscillating between two strong emotions while still dismantling the future we'd created together in our minds that makes break ups so painful, I suppose. Thank you for sharing this with your readers. Thank you for sharing this with me.
Mishell, I can't thank you enough for this. It was such a beautiful comment to wake up to this morning (in a hotel room in Vegas). It is a lot of feelings isn't it? And a strange place in life to contend with when many of my female friends are now in pretty long term relationships or married. Thank you for relating to this - it helps to not feel so alone. I hope we keep connecting over this lil app as time passes - appreciate it <3
Relationship ending either leads to 1. assessment, some level defensiveness, and/or depression..or...2. A quick hit of a new relationship that feels stronger than anything because when down a new high feels that way (in my observation)....the new drug to recover from the withdrawal symptoms of the last. I think that is why so many people get remarried quickly or jump immediately into something new.....they need it to get over the last one. His mourning response to you! A compliment I suppose, although not the type that makes you feel wonderful inside I am sure.
Sooo accurate. Disappointing when you think someone is self aware enough to take it slow and then just full throttles it into the next thing. I'm surprised, not shocked. And ultimately I suppose one day will see it as a blessing. Thank you for this, and all your writing.
Isn't it just so predictable the response people have from relationships ending! Your concerns about his maturity and his youth are immediately proven true when he rebounds with someone much younger and likely not wanting that level of commitment. I'm sorry you're going through this but you're worth much more than to be an afterthought; and I'm certain that you're being kinder than you should in all your writing (as always!)
Appreciate you — yes, I’d venture to say it speaks volumes when a grown ass man decides to embark from talking children to dating children, but what do I know 🙃💛
Well, good riddance then! Understand that if it had not happened now, it would have been in 20 years with an 18 year old -
I do often try to consider that. Thank you for the reminder :)
As I’m in no contact phase and my ex doesn’t have any mutual friends I don’t know what he’s is doing but I feel your pain. I’m 41 and didn’t want to leave for fear of being alone. Society really does make you think you’ll end up being a lonely childless cat lady or dog lady as I prefer. I’m just trying to learn how to celebrate being left alone. I wish you good luck! And hope that the feeling of not being where we were supposed to be goes away!
Absolutely. I was talking to another single friend about this recently. I don't so much mind being alone - i hate the pity that comes when you are alone. Like you're automatically put in this pity category which is unpleasant to contend with. I wish YOU good luck as well - sending a big hug <3
I have just come out of a relationship with a guy who has decided to move on straight away with someone 27 years younger than him, 20 years younger than myself. I can relate completely to your article and how I feel about the whole situation and myself.
27 years wow. Yeah, I had never had this type of experience before but it is just so wildly sharp. And it’s been so interesting to observe what it has brought you in myself about my age and life etc. thank you for taking time to write this 💛
I admire both your eloquence and your insight! Well done and good luck!
Thank you!
I really appreciate how vulnerable this is and I acknowledge the guts it takes to share this way.
This post spoke to me because it highlighted how obsessed with age I am too. I’ve always focused on it too hard. In general, I’ve never felt like I was “where I was supposed to be” for my age at any given time and I’m JUST NOW starting to get over that idea (I’m 37 for reference).
I’m so sorry you’re going through heart break. And if it was me, I’d want to hear this… erase all this math you’re doing about lost time (or bonus time for him). That’s not true, it’s all a story at the end of the day.
Someone once said to me, “trust the lessons the people you love are creating for themselves.”
I don’t know you but I trust you are where you are supposed to be and there is value here for you. I think you can have a family or do whatever it is you’d like with your life because you seem like a bright, capable (and beautiful) person. 🙏🏼♥️
This is one of the most meaningful comments I've ever read. thank you -- Thank YOU -- for taking time to write it. It is very difficult to not focus on age. I don't at all feel 35 but I know I am 35 and if it weren't for the reproduction thing, I think I'd be in a much calmer head space about the whole thing. But alas, as you noted "trust the lessons the people you love are creating for themselves."
How eloquent - saving that in my notes for rainy days. Appreciate this
<3
That gut punch, sinking stomach, churning feeling when you find out an ex is with someone new, even if there are good reasons the relationship ended. This brought back such vivid memories of my last breakup. Sending lots of (internet stranger) hugs! (Ok that came out creepy, sorry)
Yesss, just that very weird moment where the world as you know it now slightly tilted. You get used to it - like the brain forces you to accept new realities all the time, but in that instance it's like the wind being knocked out of me. Thanks for writing this - sending YOU an internet hug <3
This was a hell of a piece and powerfully vulnerable Lindsey. Not only did you share shitty situation with us, but you did so in a way that it felt like I was reading a note from a friend 👏🏽
With that said, the 90s kid in me couldn’t help but chuckle as I read your Maury and Arthur references 🥹
So, I’d also like to throw Dragon Tales, Rocket Power and Jerry Springer into the ring lol
Hahahah I almost put Jerry Springer instead!!!! And haven’t thought about Dragon Tales in a decade! ☺️ thanks for this lovely comment, you made my day 💛
Very welcome! 😊
I mean power to you for running through all of the emotions. But ultimately it’s the same age gap you two had, just on the other side. And you’ll find someone quick when you want to: women always do
I appreciate your perspective; don't necessarily agree with it. I do think people have varying life experiences which cause some to grow up or mature quicker than others but 21 is arguably still not even a completely formed brain. It's uni confusion vs years of daily grind work experience. I just see the gap in experience differently i suppose. But, I'm also clearly in my emotions about the whole thing so I could change my perspective one day once it's less raw <3
Well, okay. But I guess the final question is: you went for someone much younger, so why can't he?
All the rationalization in the world won't cover the fact that you seem to be unhappy because he found a younger love, when you did exactly the same thing.
If I am missing the point, please tell me. I don't mean to be cruel or harsh, but all the over-explanation seems to be nothing but a cover up.
Well, I'd definitely argue there's a difference between age gaps and when they happen but that's beside the point. And no I don't think you're missing the point lol. I was unhappy and distraught about it and likely unjustifiably, but I think I'm actually owning that in this post. I initially felt jealous he gets a do-over with a 21 year old while I'm 35 and running up against a biological clock. I don't think what he's doing is necessarily wrong, it actually makes more sense that he's now dating younger someone my age - but it of course was a harsh realization. This was more a reflection on why I felt enraged when I first heard, so if you found it a cover up I'd argue it's actually me disclosing exactly the cover up lol. Appreciate the comment nonetheless, thanks for taking the time.
At 35, you're hardly an "older woman", and if that's part of your thinking process, what do you think it will be like when you're 45? Or 55?
I could tell you some stories about younger/older women I've dated, married, or been engaged to.
Holding a grudge about something you have no control over is a good way to spend your life in misery.